the tantrum and the monster

01 May the tantrum and the monster

I studied some really interesting English classes in Year 11 and 12 of high school. I remember thinking that the turn of the century can be a difficult and turbulent time, especially for artists and creatives, or other sensitive peoples. I didn’t go so far to predict what turmoil the turn of the 21st century would bring the world, but it seems that the technological revolution is not without some casualties.

This collection of blogs is one of those affected. I don’t want to go so far as to actually share my emotional life. It does seem fitting though that a relationship between two people could first destroy a physical connection, so that it begins to feel as though I exist without a body, as in virtual reality, and then completely butcher an emotional connection.

It is not real in any way. It is lolly water love. And I hate myself, every time I react with any kind of good feeling, because I know how much it is destroying my soul from the inside out.

It is probably like any kind of toxic relationship cycle. The bad times get worse and worse, until I feel like I slam up against the very edge of myself, and the good times get less and less. Every time it makes me feel good, I remember that it is all a huge fantasy, a game. That the other person who does this with me is a cruel and unfeeling monster.

And so it goes on, until I find out how to put a stop to it.